Here’s to realizing you can’t always depend on friends

Tonight was the night of my sorority’s semi-formal. There were no dates, so I didn’t have to worry about paying for another person, but I did have to buy a new dress and buy my dinner at the steakhouse. I’ve been a part of the same friend group all semester, who are also in the club. I assumed we would be spending the night having fun together, but when I arrived to meet everyone, I realized that they had gone and made their own plan. I tried to see past them excluding me from their car seating chart, but even at the restaurant they did not speak to me. I even placed myself in the middle of the table. I tried to entertain others until they started texting each other under the table. I have never felt so excluded in my life. The worst part was no one ever asked me why I was upset. One girl commented on how I had been quiet throughout the meal, but I just answered with a nod. I felt like I didn’t belong. Like I didn’t have a place there. They all went and did something afterwards, and I texted them before asking if I could come, but they said that they had already left. Surprise. I ended up meeting up with one of my friends, crying to him about my circumstances. He basically told me that I had not been acting like myself since I became friends with these girls. I guess I got a taste of being on the outside tonight. How we make others feel when they aren’t included. At the end of the day, I am thankful I have God to rely on. It’s comforting knowing he will never exclude me. And to know there’s always steak. I told texted my dad and said, “I didn’t have fun, but I looked good and the food was great, so I guess that’s all that matters, right?” He hasn’t texted me back, but I’m sure he’ll agree. 

Here’s to Being a Kid

I may be twenty years old, but I’m still a child. I own a onesie, I like Spy Kids references, and I’d rather eat dessert for every meal. My roommate, a bit younger in age, is still more ‘adult’ than me. She watches tv dramas, studies, and judges me for using my netflix subscription to its greatest potential. Recently I started the Winx Club series. There is only one season, and I used to watch it when I was younger, so what harm could it do? Well, besides the looks from my roommate, the deceptive amount of time per episode, and my being caught up in the plot and character development, it’s getting pretty harmful. But I love it. And I love that I love it. I love how I catch myself cheering for my OTP (one true pairing) and catching myself tear up as Bloom loses the dragon flame, the source of her true power. I love how much I hate myself for loving it. Let’s be real, I would rather sit and watch Winx Club than go to class. I recently discovered that Season 6 is about to air. Goodbye adult world full of adult responsibilities. But I’ve been trying to justify this to myself. It has a strong female as the main character, which is great. It also is filled with real life circumstances (what to do if you realize you are a lost fairy princess). I was also trying to justify not watching it because it looks like they’ve changed the animation and added another fairy to the club. I mean, I guess change is good, right? Literally these are everyday struggles I face. But overall, like my good friend Miley Cyrus says, “Only God can judge ya.” 

Here’s to Knowing People

Yesterday I was in a rush, but knew I could not go on without a Caramel Apple Spice from Starbucks. I waited in line for a little over 5 minutes, and when I reached the register I realized one of my residents was working. (I’m a resident assistant at my university.) I bought my drink, but the line was backed up so I was still standing at the register. Accepting that I was going to be late to my meeting, I stood in line making casual small talk with my friend’s boyfriend. I was about to move closer to the pick up area when I heard someone call my name. I turned around to see my resident with a smile on her face. “Here is your Caramel Apple Spice.” I felt so loved, so cared for, so important. I don’t think she realized how much her simple kindness made my night so much better. So here’s to knowing people. People who surprise you.

Here’s to Being Popular?

I recently had my college recruiter stop me in the hall, give me a hug, and say, “I’m so proud of you! You’re so popular!” To which I replied, “What are you talking about?” And she said, “Everyone knows who you are and you’re so involved, I love you!” Then she left. I realized I was wearing one of my sweatshirts from my sorority. One of my best friends and I discussed it afterwards and basically wrote our description of popular. It was strange seeing I fit into most of the stereotypes. But I don’t feel popular, you know? Isn’t being popular about driving a Range Rover to school and having everything monogrammed? Aren’t I supposed to be a size 00 and get my hair done every two weeks? As we were talking we decided that was more of the private school popular you see in movies. We’re adults now. I mean, in college, but I am 20 years old. I am literally in my 20’s. So what word can describe knowing everyone and being outgoing and putting forth effort with appearance? Popular sounds like a juvenile term, but we couldn’t think of another word besides socialite. Both of these sound superficial, and I don’t personally see being popular, or a socialite as a bad thing. One thing that does come with the title is being an influence. There lies the responsibility of being a good influence. I can’t think that I am any kind of influence to anyone, but if people are voicing to me that I am an influence, I want to make sure I am being a good influence. I think the coolest part about this title is how it can be used for kingdom growth. If I can do my best to live a life that reflects Christ, hopefully God will use me as a tool to lead people to him. Whatever word we want to use, whether it be leader, popular, socialite, or influence, it is everyone’s responsibility to seek out ways we can properly show Christ’s love to others. 

Let me know if you have a better word or thoughts! I’ll still be thinking on it for a while!

Here’s to Alone Time

Since we’ve been at the beach I couldn’t help but question how much time I’ve spent by myself. I am here with two of my best friends, and I was determined to not be a third wheel. But I don’t see myself as the third wheel now, I just see myself as different. They both love the beach and hanging out in the sand, and I like trying to avoid getting a sunburn on my nose. They both like sitting watching a tv show, while I like to be outside enjoying the sea breeze as much as possible before heading back home. As I’m outside by myself listening to the new moon soundtrack (judge away), I’m realizing how much fun I’m having on my own. One of the negatives of being an extrovert is not taking time to be by yourself, and I think this trip has been great for allowing me to be around people, but spend a little bit of extra time on myself. It is also nice to be alone with God. Not necessarily speaking out loud, or reading through Scripture, but just recognizing His presence beside me. Knowing that I’m never truly alone. 

Here’s to Being Single

I will say it was nice having someone for a short while, but I think lately I’ve been seeing the positives of living the single life. Here are a few of the benefits I’ve discovered:

1. You don’t have to check in with someone. 

My life so busy I rarely speak with my family. I don’t think I actually have time to be in constant communication with someone. 

2. You don’t have to worry about an extra opinion.

I already care way too much about what people think of me, and adding another important person to that list would most likely stress me out to no end. 

3. You don’t have to consult someone with your decisions. 

This goes from anything to getting a nose piercing to moving to a new place. The single life allows for independence. (Even if it may be selfish.)

4. You can save money. 

This is really superficial, but just today I saved $35 because I didn’t need to buy a shirt for a boyfriend. It’s the little things. 

5. It’s easier to put God first.

I feel like even in my short relationship I can see how I struggled talking to God as much I had previously. It is nice to talk with God more now that I don’t have an extra important relationship in my life.

Don’t take this post as “life is only good if you’re single.” I’m definitely looking forward to falling in love one day, but right now I’m just pulling out the positives. Sometimes it is hard being single. My two best friends just left for a bit so they could talk to their boys back at home. While this is the first time they’ve talked to each other this weekend, they have been constantly texting with them, so I can’t help but think that I’ve had a better chance to completely get away and focus on God’s love. 

Here’s to being single (and happy). 

Here’s to Getting Away

I don’t think it really mattered where I went for this break from school, but I am happy to be back in Destin. I personally don’t like the beach, sun, or sand, but I still love this place. I guess I actually just don’t like sweating. Sweating makes me feel gross. But there truly is nothing like having the windows down, wind blowing through your hair, and belting a Miley Cyrus song. It’s also nice to be in a familiar place without having to entertain anyone. At the beach no one cares what you look like, there is no one to impress, you can sleep as late as you want, and you can eat as much as you want. This is why the beach is wonderful. Besides the sweating. But no matter the temperature, I am so thankful for this long weekend of relaxation and retail therapy. 

Here’s to English Majors

I am not an English Major. I like to write, and for the most part I like to read, but I don’t think I have what it takes to be associated with this elite group in University. 

I had to take an English class to fulfill my general education requirement for University, so I decided on British Literature. I studied abroad in England, Wales, and Scotland in high school, so I grew to love Shakespeare, CS Lewis, and Wordsworth. Now this class has rekindled my desire to study poetry. I know that this will never be a reality for me, but it’s nice to dream. Sometimes I wish I could stop what I’m doing, fly to the countryside of England, sit in a bed of daisies, and read poetry until I don’t understand it anymore. Then I guess I would fly back and write about the experience.

This actually sounds like a great retirement plan. 

Either way, I wish I had a bigger passion for poetry and reading in general. It is something I enjoy, but not something I believe I could do for the rest of my life. So while in class I have the urge to change majors, I know that God will use this love of British literature somewhere in my life. 

I look forward to that day. 

 

Here’s to Breaking Up

I guess being single for 20 years gave me my blind optimism on relationships. Of course I saw how my friends in relationships struggled, but knowing all of that I figured my relationship would be different. After my heart was broken Monday night, you can guess my current outlook on relationships is not too positive. I had never thought about the risks when emotionally investing myself in him. We tried long distance. And by long distance I don’t mean we were a few hours apart, we were nearly 4,000 miles away from each other. I met him right before I came home this summer. We began skyping regularly and I was the one who put myself out there expecting to be hurt, but he felt the same. We talked everyday, and skyped a few times that first week. I naively assumed everything was okay, and when I entered the conversation on Monday, I was not prepared for the blindside that would change all of my plans. He’s still a good guy, and he still cares about me. I wish I could hate him, and write a rant about how he’s a jerk, but I can’t. I still care about him, and I think that’s what’s making it that much more difficult for me to recover. 

Last night I sat in the rain for an hour and a half talking to God. Alone. I mean even if we were still in a relationship, I would still have been sitting alone with God. I can’t decide if that’s comforting or not. I do know I am not receiving clarity about the situation. I cannot see the good in this outcome, even though I’m trying. I want to see how this is the right path. Now I am confused and lonely. I definitely wouldn’t say I have a blind optimism on relationships now. I would say my outlook on relationships at this point is simply blind.